I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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