Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
