Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
