i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
