Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize