My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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