Dude my mom stole all your condoms
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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