: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dicks are not precious.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
