Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
