saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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