I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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