good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
