I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
