he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
