Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
