Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I did not marry a roomba.
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