I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize