Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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