Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
