I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
