I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
