I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
