god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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