the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
