My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
