My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
