i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
don't judge my taste in strippers
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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