i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
