I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
