i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
