oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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