I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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