Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
