Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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