I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
