I just pynch a tree in the face
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
