Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
