Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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