I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
