i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
