I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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