dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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