Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
