upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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