Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
