my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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