theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
