We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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