Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize