so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
