Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
