If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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