Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize