Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
