Banned from zoo.
Again?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
