My underwear smells like fireworks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
