You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
