Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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