So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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