dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
