3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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